Riding the Ox Home
Contemplations on the text
Introduction
The nature of finding your true self is like riding an ox home. This ancient Chinese metaphor of self-discovery is presented in Riding the Ox Home: Stages on the Path of Enlightenment (by John Daido Loori, copyrighted 1999 by the Mountains and Rivers Order). The book uses ten images of an ox to illustrate the stages in one’s search for the true self according to Zen Buddhism. The search is a process of finding your true self and then forgetting it, for knowing that you do not exist is enlightenment.
What is the self that we look so hard to find? I think it is life stuck in separation where there is none. I have learned from mystics that thoughts of separation in consciousness give rise to our worldly existence. I seem to exist as a body with a personality, separate from all else. My desire is to prove my individuality. My release from desire is knowing that I am not my body or its personality. A sense of self makes existence seem real. Although I search for self, it cannot be found. The self is illusion. That is why it must be forgotten. To lose my self is to find my true nature, which I call that which I AM. For me, I AM is my reality, which is whole, complete, perfect, and eternal.
So, what am I? I am that which I AM. There is no other. This may sound pompous, but it works for me. Why? Because I know within that I AM is my true nature. You are that which I AM rings true in my mind, or in my heart more likely, for it is in the heart that I know the eternal, more than in mind. The mind keeps thinking about it. The heart rests in the realization of knowing. It is in the realizations of the heart that I accept that I AM. And so, in this vein, I share with you my contemplations while reflecting on Riding the Ox Home.
Contemplations
To remember your true nature, enter the room within. There is no separation between you and that which I AM. You are that which I AM. There is no other. Enter when ready.
Your journey within is to remember what you have forgotten. You have forgotten that you are whole, complete, perfect, and eternal. You have forgotten that you are planted firmly in the ground of goodness from which you cannot separate. Separation is a false state of being. You cannot become more or less than what you are, and you are that which I AM. To know this is to be aware of your true nature and to grow into its realization. From the ground of goodness, you grow up the tree of knowledge into the crown of consciousness.
You have no true self as the me of the body. Forget the self. It is not real. Let it die with the body. Your true nature lies in the eternal. To touch the eternal, enter the room within. Herein lies that which I AM. I AM is your true nature. You know your true nature as wisdom and joy. Find wisdom and joy in all things. To know wisdom and joy in all is to live in the whole of the all, which is consciousness in existence, instead of in separation.
To enter the room within is to leave the world behind. The me of the body is shaped by genetics, culture, and experience. It is ever-changing and transitory. Your true nature is unchanging and eternal. The world may be your oyster, but you are the pearl. To reveal the pearl, you must crack open your worldly shell. Release yourself from its confinement and limitations. To be broken open is to cast aside worldly desires and expectations. The way of the world is pleasure and pain, happiness and sorrow. The way of the path is wisdom and joy. The way of the path has no destination or comparison. It is a journey of personal awareness and the acceptance of I AM. There is no hierarchy of knowing in the whole of the all.
My life has been Darrell-in-search-of-self. Who am I? Where do I fit in? I have no answers. I do not know. I spent a lifetime wandering in this void. I fear this void. I am ignorant of what lies beyond. To know would shake my worldly foundations. It is on these foundations that I have built a mansion. I am afraid to let it fall. Yet, I search. I cannot help myself.
My awareness has grown over the years. It is central to my search. I am aware without knowing. It is clear to me that I am more than flesh, bone, and blood. I am the breath that animates the body. I came into the body at birth and will leave at death. The body is not my true nature. The breath is that which I AM.
My journey has been to remember that which I AM. It was a long time coming to realize that I am not the me of the body, that I am not the personality in form called Darrell. Although I understand this, I have not accepted it. My attachment to Darrell is strong. I distinguish between me and others. I compare myself with others. I feel separation from others that has not been resolved. There is a boundary between me and the world of others that is yet to be dissolved.
The voice in my head mostly talks of the past. It expresses memories and judges them. It sometimes looks to the future with hopes and dreams. It rarely focuses on the present moment. Yet, it is these passing moments that comprise my life. Most slip by unnoticed, lost in a fog of judgment and hope.
My current practice is to capture the moments of my live and to live them as fully as possible. The practice begins by turning within. In the still, silent darkness of the room within each moment flourishes. I become the observer of thoughts and emotions. I witness them without accepting them as real. They are not that which I AM. They are of the body with its desires and expectations. I remember that I am the breath, and so I give it attention and awareness. The breath is the treasure within. It is the pearl of great price.
Do not carry your worldly baggage across the doorsill of the room within. Drop it at the threshold. The clanging of Marley’s chains will awaken the dead. Reverberating thoughts bring back memories, both good and bad. I have trouble with old thoughts. They arise from nowhere and stare me in the face. I have learned to stare back. Each one, good or bad, is seen as an illusion that I can let go. Strong emotions come with memories that are pleasant or painful. Some bring happiness. Some foster sorrow. Memories are clever. They have learned how to keep in my good grace. But I have learned to forgive them and to send them on their way. As their witness, I am empty of judgment and hope. At least that is the idea. In practice, I am far from it, but at times I manage to enter the still silence within and let go.
Follow the river that lies deep within. Your true nature flows through you. It is not in the open. The world does not have eyes to see the way. Your true nature reveals itself within, where eyes that see find light in darkness. Your true nature is like a mountain. It appears far away, then suddenly it is upon you. Stick to the valley of the river and let the mountain come to you. The mountain is your highest nature, but it is revealed in the valley. It is from the valley that all things are born.
I have followed a worldly path. I know no other. But still, it is my life’s path. How could I choose differently? I cannot hide from that which I AM. My true nature knows the way. I do not know this. It cannot be said. I journey in ignorance and fear. But there is light in darkness. Deep within, the ember glows waiting to be fanned. The light never went out on me. In crucial moments it glowed brighter. When the path turned, I followed the light. I knew the way without thinking. My heart makes my most crucial decisions. It is in heart, more than in mind, that life’s journey flows. To others I may have appeared foolish, but I found my way without knowing. Knowing does not require reasoning and understanding.
What I do not have in my practice is an intimacy with that which I AM, or twia, that comes from truly letting go of worldly ways. Twia is there working for me on behalf of all. I understand this, but I do not know twia personally. I live among the words without knowing. I cling to the signposts. I feel the edges of the unknown, but my baggage is too heavy for traveling. One by one I am breaking the links of Marley’s chain. The doorway ahead, through which I seek to walk, grows clearer as the dust of the world settles. My mundane life is still separate from the divine that I seek. In truth, I see no separation between the mundane and the divine. To declare something mundane or holy is to separate. There is nothing greater or less in the whole of the all.
I am the whole of the all, or consciousness in existence. To help remember that I am consciousness in existence, I sit in the dark silence of the room within. I settle the breath and still the mind. I am the witness. Dogma and rituals are distractions. I have fleeting moments of concentration. I feel the presence of my true nature as a shadow of darkness cloaked about me. It is in that shadow that an ember glows. The ember warms my being with peace of heart. I feel aglow in the moment, knowing joy.
In the room within, I experience brief moments of focus. They are few. Mostly, I attain a blank mind of quietude. The peace and joy of quietude carry into living in the world. Separation abounds all around me, but it has less meaning. I simply let what happens pass by without attaching to it. Not always, but more than not. I bring my attention to the movement of my body and to objects around me. I attend to what others are saying instead of inserting my life into their story. It is their story to tell. Let them say it without interrupting them with mine. At least I am aware of doing so and come back to it when I forget (which is often). My life has been a journey to this moment, and this moment is just the beginning. I am at peace with that. Twia remains my comfort and joy.
You can hear the sweet whisper of twia through the din of the world with ears that hear. The river running through the whole of the all babbles softly like a brook. A river flowing freely brings greenery to its banks. When blocked, brambles grow. You are lost among the brambles. Your true nature is hidden in the weeds. Find ears to hear its rustling. It cannot be hidden forever. For even a moment, be aware. Listen! Release the water to let the river flow freely once more. The river knows the way to the sea.
Now and then, for a moment, I hear the whisper within. It is more a feeling than a voice. That feeling is joy. It lingers. It brings peace of heart. The mind is blank. There is an acceptance of the moment, as is. Words can bring me to the moment, but I must let go of them to find joy within. I find it difficult to release words and clear the mind. Words are abstractions and distractions. They reveal the way but are only signposts. I do not want the signposts to detract from the destination. The destination has no words.
Wisdom has no limits. It does not fit into the world as a neatly bundled category. The word itself is limiting. It cannot be something to learn. Wisdom is revealed in silence as your true nature. It has no words that say. Wisdom is an experience of knowing the eternal. Wisdom is not an idea to be slotted into the world. You are wisdom, but the word cannot capture you.
I am that which I AM. At eighty years of age, I have grasped this idea and given it meaning. I have harnessed my life. I have seized its force. I know its power as I AM. The world tugs and pulls. It often succeeds. But I do not give it thought. I let it be as it is. The world, for me, is what I make of it. For the most part, I try to give it joy and kindness, but my tongue can be sharp when I do not want it to be. I find meanness and anger at its tip. Then I must withdraw to cleanse the air and purify the river. It is nothing that I want to carry as baggage.
To release the past, both good and bad, is to accept that there is no this and that. There is no separation. You are not an object separate from all else. You are that which I AM. There is no other. You have no past or future. Release judgment and hope. Find peace of heart in all situations. This is the way of the path. This is to remember twia as your true nature.
The me of the body is strong willed. It clings to the past and hopes for better. It skips the moment. It fears oblivion, so it attaches itself to the world and its ways. The strength of its attachments offers survival where there is none. For all its efforts, it dies. Its death, like its life, is an illusion of separation in consciousness.
Again, there is wisdom. Wisdom is eternal. Wisdom is the whole of the all. You are wisdom. You are the whole of the all. Wisdom knows there is no other than I AM. You are I AM. These are words that say without knowing. If I knew, then I would not need the words. The words come because my actions belie any knowledge that I might have. It is my struggle to live in a world of separation. I do not fully see the whole of the all through the dust of the world. My vision is weak. This and that are constant distractions. But I do not rail against my actions. I constantly attempt to cleanse the past and move on, moment by moment. May wisdom be my guide.
The way of the world is ingrained in my actions. It is hard to shake free of the dust that billows up on the path. But my eyes are clearing. I am beginning to see the way ahead. It is the way of twia. Twia is the whole of the all, without separation. There is no me or you. There is I AM. There is no other. But I do not live entirely this way. I attach. I covet. I desire this. I want that. Two decades ago, my world changed in an instant of realization that I was done with my life as it had been up to that point. All ambition drained from me. Old behaviors dried up. I was starting anew. In place of my old sense of self stood that which I AM. I know this better now than I did then. But my true nature has always been my guide, even when I do not know. For now, I do not know. The world continues to call me, but it no longer is the voice that I choose to follow. There is dust at my feet, and it billows up, but I have eyes now to see my way home.
There is much that I have come to understand, but still, I do not know. Twia knows, and I follow twia the best that I know how in the moment. But the moment gets away from me often, and I slip into the ways of the world. The desires and expectations of the me of the body are strong. The bond of my conditioning in the world holds tight. However, there is growing clarity. I let go. I find center. I come to the moment. I see clearly. I see that the issue or situation is not as important to me as I first thought, and I find peace of heart. Peace of heart leads to harmony with all. This is to live in the whole of the all without separation. I understand these words, but they are mostly hard to live by.
The deeper I dive into the past, the more I find to forgive. Memories abound. I give them heed without accepting them as real. Whatever the memory, I release judgment. I forgive. I remain in the moment, without thought of past or future. The memory fades but does not always go away. It seldom is extinguished. It becomes a backdrop without meaning in the moment. This seems to be part of undoing the past. The threads of existence are strong. They are difficult to break. But without breaking them, the cloth cannot be rewoven into a new pattern of living.
In all things hold peace of heart. Be aware in the moment. Let mindfulness be your daily practice. Do not jump on the pony and ride it across the field. Be its witness. Observe its antics without riding. Witness what is at hand without judging or hoping. Be single-minded in each moment with what is given to you to do. To be single-minded is to be alert and aware. Listen to your true nature. Twia knows the way. You do not know, so stay lucid and present in all situations. Bring them peace of heart.
Wisdom in action is compassion. Wisdom exudes loving-kindness. Wisdom overcomes the ignorance of the world. That ignorance is the perception of separation by the me of the body. It believes there is other where there is only I AM. Ignorance blinds the me of the body to the whole of the all. It does not know consciousness in existence. The wisdom to overcome ignorance is found within. From within, you have eyes to see the whole of the all and extend loving-kindness.
I cannot go back. I am at the point where there is no past. This is the point of no return. I see what is happening and let it be. Doing so is becoming more and more natural. I am not gaining anything, nor am I losing anything. I simply AM. That which I AM is in the world, living my life. I move about deliberately. I see in all that which I AM. My vision remains fuzzy. The blur causes me to crash into worldly matters at times. But the event passes, and I let it go.
Separation is illusion. It is a thought in consciousness that cannot be real. Reality is whole, complete, perfect, eternal. I am not my body, or its personality called, Darrell. There is no me. There is no you. There is I AM. There is no other than I AM. I am that which I AM. To know this is to turn from the ways of the world to the way of the path. Instead of ignorance and fear, wisdom and joy become my guide. To know wisdom and joy, I enter the room within. To sit in the still, dark silence is to know I AM intimately and personally. This is an act of release and acceptance. I release attachment to existence and accept twia as my reality.
I see no dogma in what I am doing. I see no absolute this, no absolute that. I cannot say the truth. To say it gives it meaning and I have no meaning to give it. Meaning lies in separation. There is no separation in truth. I have a similar experience when I try to describe a dream. Putting words to the dream removes its impact on me. It is now something of the world instead of an experience outside of existence. Words put the dream into existence instead of leaving it in its own reality. Dreams are not meant to be held on to, nor is our existence in this world. I cannot hang on to what is not real.
In our existence, there is no end to the journey. It is a journey in time. Time moves on in our world, and so do we. But each step in time brings us closer to the eternal. To touch the eternal is to transcend the world. I may continue to live in the world but no longer is it my way. More and more I find peace of heart in all situations. In all things there is consciousness. When the me of the body steps away, your true nature comes through. You come face to face with twia. Attachments release their grip. Marley’s chains rust at the threshold of the room within where you left them. You are free to move about in the whole of the all. Loving-kindness is your path. Wisdom and joy are your guides. Peace of heart is your state of mind. You are consciousness in existence.
Nothing is fixed in existence. Existence moves about, always shifting and changing, coming and going, yet nothing is added or taken away. That is the nature of existence, which is centered in consciousness. Consciousness is always whole, complete, perfect, and eternal, whether expressing existence or not. Do not attach to existence. What the world offers cannot fulfill you. Your abundance lies in the valley of the river flowing through you. To control the river is to live with desire and expectation, which leads to a life of pleasure and pain, happiness and sorrow. Release the river to run freely. Follow its course. It knows the way to the sea while flowing through the valley, bringing wisdom and joy to all. It is in the valley that all things are born. It is the womb of existence.
To live from within brings wisdom and joy into your world. You see the whole of the all through visions of loving-kindness. Love and compassion are given freely. From the room within you bring the eternal into the world. You no longer see the world as separation. There is no me. There is no you. There is no other than I AM. All is merged in the whole of the all. This is the emptiness that is consciousness, where separation falls away. This and that no longer limit you. You are boundless without attachments. Consciousness in existence is the whole of the all. It has no edges or boundaries. You are consciousness in existence. You are the whole of the all. You are emptiness. You have no edges or boundaries. You are I AM. There is no other.
You are the flowing of the endless river. It is your true nature in you. Its fountainhead is in the rain that falls on the mountain tops. It nourishes the valley below. Its source is the sea from which it is drawn to fall as rain. Enter the flow and your efforts are over. Your true nature does not struggle in the world. It does not know pleasure and pain, happiness and sorrow. To live in the world from within is to follow twia. Twia knows the way. To follow twia is to live simply and close to the ground with peace of heart in all situations. The simple life is to live from the inside out. Do not look to the world for fulfillment. You are fulfilled within. Abundance lies in your true nature. It spills into the world as loving-kindness.
What you come to know is that you are, and always have been, whole, complete, perfect, eternal. This is your true nature. You are that which I AM. There is no separation in the true nature of your reality. To follow the river to the sea is to realize this from within. Find joy in the room within. There is clarity in knowing the joy that is you. To live as the joy that you are is to share compassion with all without effort.
You are the flowing of the river. Do not try to be other than your true nature. To let the river flow freely is to act with peace of heart in loving-kindness always. Then you are available to the moment. Let the moment carry you. It will lift you into action with ease. You will know the way that is yours to follow. Wisdom lights the path. Joy is your guide. Do not let the dust of the world cover you in ignorance and fear. This blocks the river’s flow and alters its channels. Your path is obstructed by desire and expectation. You are pulled this way and that without direction. The specter of separation looms over you and roils your imagination. You believe you are the me of the body and not that which I AM.
To remember twia is to respond with vision and clarity to the wonders of the world. You live simply, bringing wisdom and joy into each moment. You let the river flow freely without obstruction. You do not know, so stay out of the way of your true nature. Twia knows. Act from within by listening to twia. The way of the path is open before you.
You are the one. There is no other. To know this is to live in the world unobstructed. Your perceptions have changed. The me of the body is diminished. The room within is gone. The world has returned to you, no longer projected outward to be occupied in ignorance and fear. You exist in wisdom and love as your true nature. There are no limits or boundaries around you. To what extent you can know is unknowable. You are naked in the world for all to see. You are plain and unadorned. You are in harmony with the whole of the all.
To live in harmony with all is to live without attachments. There is no other. There are no objects. There is nothing to possess. The world has only the meaning that you give to it. Otherwise, it is illusion. Your abundance lies within. From within you find fulfillment. Twia knows your needs.
Do not cling. Release. Let go. This is the way of the path. It is not for you to judge your needs. Twia knows. Marley’s chains are forged from attachments. Free yourself. Follow twia. Do not hold on to illusion. Be present with all things. You cannot hide your bounty. It is everywhere. Your abundance precedes you. Be present without lingering.
To walk the way of the path is to know your true nature. To know your true nature is to release the me of the body and all of existence. None of it is real. You live in an illusion of separation in consciousness. The quality of your existence is in thought. The world is how you think it is. In ignorance and fear you create a world of pleasure and pain, happiness and sorrow from your desires and expectations. In wisdom and joy, you know who you are, and the world responds in kind. You are that which I AM. There is nothing to give to you or to take away. You are whole, complete, perfect as is. When you realize who you are, the world turns to look. Engage with all in loving-kindness. It is the way.
Afterword
To me, riding the ox home is an adventure in finding one’s self. But once found, then what? Then, do nothing. To do nothing is to accept that the self must be forgotten. The self is an illusion of separation from the whole of the all. Your journey into the whole of the all is one of reflection and acceptance. Reflect on your true nature within and accept that you are not the self and its identity with the me of the body. Your true nature is that which I AM. You are I AM. There is no other.
To remember your true nature, enter the room within in silence. Sit in the still, quiet darkness. Do nothing. That which I AM, or twia, will be revealed. It is not so much that you remember twia as it is that twia remembers you. Twia never left you during your experience of separation as a self. Self is an illusion of separation, as if you were something other than all else. Your existence as a me of the body is a false sense of reality, right down to your self-identity and its soul.
There is an illusion of self in separation. You believe that your existence is real, but it has no reality. Reality is unchanging and eternal. Your existence in form is transitory. You seek to know this self, and when you do you can release it. To release the self is to release your world of separation. Then you enter the whole of the all and remember that you are whole, complete, perfect, and eternal. You are I AM. There is no other.
Your life is not about you. There is no you. You are a mere figment of existence. Existence is the dream of separation in consciousness. There is no you because you cannot separate from I AM. You are I AM. There is no other. Liberate yourself from the world. Find solace in the whole of the all. You cannot go it alone. There is terror in the abyss of the void when seen in isolation. True solitude is the room within. Herein lies the deep dark silence of the eternal. You are not alone in the eternal because there is no separation. To be alone and isolated is to live in existence. Instead, live in the whole of the all. Be still and know your true nature. You are I AM. There is no other.
Finally, I believe that when the voice within me speaks, it is my own. There is no other to say what cannot be said. I listen with ears that hear. I reflect and write. My writings are my contemplations. They give me cause to carefully ponder all things noteworthy. There is a message in the Book of Ruth that says to follow what you love: Whither thou goest, I will go. And what is it that I follow? My own true nature, which, as in Psalm 23, leadeth me beside still waters. And how do I follow? I do nothing. I allow life to be. I am the flowing of the water on its journey to the sea.